The C4C Rating System

The C4C rating system will be rated by the following five categories. Each category will receive a 1-5 spoon rating, then that total number will be divided by 5 for it's final score. The categories are as follows:

1. Texture: Does it have a good CVM ratio (crunch vs. moisture)? Does it cut the roof of your mouth (yes, I'm talkin to you Captain Crunch) What good is a cereal if it turns into baby food after two minutes in the milk? These are serious questions only an amateur Cerealist would ignore.

2. Presentation: In today's world, presentation is perhaps the most important category to sell a product. If the box never catches your eye, or the macro photo of corn and fake chocolate fusion that's "enlarged for texture," doesn't make it to your cart; it's off the the cereal graveyard alongside C3PO's. This category will be judged the same way your judged on match.com; by the the images... Does it have a cool mascot you'd want to hang out with after school? Are the marshmellow rainbows a sexy red or a dull pink? Does the box have fun stories and puzzles, or include an exciting toy? Most of today's cereals have Darwin'd themselves onto the shelves, so this category will be strictly criticized.

3. Quality of Ingredients: Does your stomach feel like you ate a brownie/caramel/Reeses cup/cake batter ice cream from Coldstone, after one small bowl of Cocoa Krispies and 2% milk? It shouldn't. Unfortunately, this is the Achilles heel of the high fructose corn syrup cereal industry. How do you expect them to turn a profit after paying for professional athletes and cartoon tigers to promote their products? A lot of cereals will score low in this category. Deal with it, or go eat Muslix with your Grandma.

4. Flavor: Chocolate means delicious. I don't care if "Charms" aren't actually a real food, they damn well better taste like something squeezed from a leprichans magic asshole. Graham crackers should taste like sugary delicious graham crackers, not cardboard. Certain cereals will be affected by their FFA (Faux Flavor Accuracy). Do Apple Jacks taste like apples (or Jacks)? Do Cookie Crisps actually taste like chocolate chip cookies? This category is somewhat subjective because some people probably don't care. Well, fuck them. If your claiming your cereal is supposed to taste like fake french toast, then own up you Quaker bitch! (FFA only applies to cereals claiming to taste like a naturaly occuring food, i.e. Cocoa Puffs, Peanut Butter Crunch etc)

5. Happy Times: Overall fun factor. Sugar cereals should make your stomach smile and invoke a temporary, nostalgic euphoria. Remember how happy you were when your weird uncle smuggled you some sugar cereal contraband, (in exchange for sitting on his lap while he made strange moaning sounds) and you ate them with the Sunday morning comics? Well, it should hark back to those times giving you a reprieve from the modern day rat-race. If it doesn't, there's always cheap Russian whores and lollie-pops dipped in hot oil.