C4C Review #1: Cocoa Puffs

In children's hospitals, they give cancer-ridden kids morphine in the form of lolliepops. Presumably to distract them from the trauma of needles and other annoyances; like death. When I get the cancer, I want my morphine to be delivered in the form of these chocolaty, Jesus balls of ecstasy. For our first review I'm starting at the top. If high fructose corn syrup was a conscious entity, such as a human being like yourself, I'd imagine it would sacrifice itself like a middle eastern teenager knowing it was going towards something like Cocoa Puffs.

TEXTURE: Great crunch vs. moisture ratio. Within seconds after these balls hit the milk, you can bite down confidently knowing that each bite will release a delicate burst of moist, yet crunchy, chocolaty satisfaction. Similar to when you get that perfect timing with cookies and milk, but more consistently. They also retain that crunch for a respectable amount of time. If you set that bowl down and get distracted by the latest rerun of Alf, you can come back several minutes later and they'll be moderately fresh. To a point. They do get a little milk-logged after a lengthy amount of time, but few cereals can claim otherwise.
4.5 Spoons

PRESENTATION: What really gets me about these cereal companies is their ability to make sugar cereals, which are basically breakfast candy, appear almost healthy. On the box, they proudly declare "Whole Grain Guarantee" across the top alongside a laundry list of vitamins that I apparently need. On the bottom it says, "a good source of calcium and vitamin D, to help kids grow strong." Fuck fruits and vegetables, I can get it all right here! Nice work General Mills...I am docking it for the stupid puzzle on the back though. The answer's were printed on the bottom and when I tipped the box, I spilled cereal and my dog ate the chocolate. Now I have to watch her throughout the night to make sure she doesn't die.  
4 Spoons

QUALITY OF INGREDIENTS: I should eat just one bowl. When I eat more than that, I feel sick. But I always eat two... Truth be told, I only ate one tonight and I still feel sick. There's not much in here besides processed sugar. I actually feel so unwell that I'm debating finishing this review tomorrow.  
2 Spoons

FLAVOR: (Note: I've decided to finish the review tonight) This is where these guys do it right. On the cover of the box, right next their health propaganda, they claim, "great chocolate taste." (Ok, I really don't feel well. I'm seriously dizzy. Perhaps it's something else. Maybe it's too much time in front of the computer. Yeah, I don't want to unfairly take it out on the cereal.) It's fuckin delicious.  
5 Spoons

HAPPY TIMES: I'm slightly conflicted. Normally if I forget to take my anti-depressants, I can replace them with good ol' CP's and I'm back on my game. But tonight I just feel sick and, well, kinda sad. My stomach is churning a bit, its invoking a memory of being hospitalized for dehydration. I was spewing liquids from every orifice in my body, even my ears were moist. They said if I hadn't gone to the hospital that night I could have died. I remember this big black lady snapping a glove over her two inch long press-on nails. She took out a pill the size of a mini hot dog, greased me up, then slid that little rocket up my tailpipe. I was so fatigued that I didn't mind the feeling of her nail inside me...  
2 Spoons

Normally this is where I'd put the summary and the final score, but I'm too ill.

Cocoa Puffs Final Score
3.5 Spoons