Nintendo and sugar cereal is like that time you discovered masturbation while rubbing yourself against the family dog.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
C4C Review #1: Cocoa Puffs
In children's hospitals, they give cancer-ridden kids morphine in the form of lolliepops. Presumably to distract them from the trauma of needles and other annoyances; like death. When I get the cancer, I want my morphine to be delivered in the form of these chocolaty, Jesus balls of ecstasy. For our first review I'm starting at the top. If high fructose corn syrup was a conscious entity, such as a human being like yourself, I'd imagine it would sacrifice itself like a middle eastern teenager knowing it was going towards something like Cocoa Puffs.
TEXTURE: Great crunch vs. moisture ratio. Within seconds after these balls hit the milk, you can bite down confidently knowing that each bite will release a delicate burst of moist, yet crunchy, chocolaty satisfaction. Similar to when you get that perfect timing with cookies and milk, but more consistently. They also retain that crunch for a respectable amount of time. If you set that bowl down and get distracted by the latest rerun of Alf, you can come back several minutes later and they'll be moderately fresh. To a point. They do get a little milk-logged after a lengthy amount of time, but few cereals can claim otherwise.
4.5 Spoons
PRESENTATION: What really gets me about these cereal companies is their ability to make sugar cereals, which are basically breakfast candy, appear almost healthy. On the box, they proudly declare "Whole Grain Guarantee" across the top alongside a laundry list of vitamins that I apparently need. On the bottom it says, "a good source of calcium and vitamin D, to help kids grow strong." Fuck fruits and vegetables, I can get it all right here! Nice work General Mills...I am docking it for the stupid puzzle on the back though. The answer's were printed on the bottom and when I tipped the box, I spilled cereal and my dog ate the chocolate. Now I have to watch her throughout the night to make sure she doesn't die.
4 Spoons
QUALITY OF INGREDIENTS: I should eat just one bowl. When I eat more than that, I feel sick. But I always eat two... Truth be told, I only ate one tonight and I still feel sick. There's not much in here besides processed sugar. I actually feel so unwell that I'm debating finishing this review tomorrow.
2 Spoons
FLAVOR: (Note: I've decided to finish the review tonight) This is where these guys do it right. On the cover of the box, right next their health propaganda, they claim, "great chocolate taste." (Ok, I really don't feel well. I'm seriously dizzy. Perhaps it's something else. Maybe it's too much time in front of the computer. Yeah, I don't want to unfairly take it out on the cereal.) It's fuckin delicious.
5 Spoons
HAPPY TIMES: I'm slightly conflicted. Normally if I forget to take my anti-depressants, I can replace them with good ol' CP's and I'm back on my game. But tonight I just feel sick and, well, kinda sad. My stomach is churning a bit, its invoking a memory of being hospitalized for dehydration. I was spewing liquids from every orifice in my body, even my ears were moist. They said if I hadn't gone to the hospital that night I could have died. I remember this big black lady snapping a glove over her two inch long press-on nails. She took out a pill the size of a mini hot dog, greased me up, then slid that little rocket up my tailpipe. I was so fatigued that I didn't mind the feeling of her nail inside me...
2 Spoons
Normally this is where I'd put the summary and the final score, but I'm too ill.
Cocoa Puffs Final Score
3.5 Spoons
TEXTURE: Great crunch vs. moisture ratio. Within seconds after these balls hit the milk, you can bite down confidently knowing that each bite will release a delicate burst of moist, yet crunchy, chocolaty satisfaction. Similar to when you get that perfect timing with cookies and milk, but more consistently. They also retain that crunch for a respectable amount of time. If you set that bowl down and get distracted by the latest rerun of Alf, you can come back several minutes later and they'll be moderately fresh. To a point. They do get a little milk-logged after a lengthy amount of time, but few cereals can claim otherwise.
4.5 Spoons
PRESENTATION: What really gets me about these cereal companies is their ability to make sugar cereals, which are basically breakfast candy, appear almost healthy. On the box, they proudly declare "Whole Grain Guarantee" across the top alongside a laundry list of vitamins that I apparently need. On the bottom it says, "a good source of calcium and vitamin D, to help kids grow strong." Fuck fruits and vegetables, I can get it all right here! Nice work General Mills...I am docking it for the stupid puzzle on the back though. The answer's were printed on the bottom and when I tipped the box, I spilled cereal and my dog ate the chocolate. Now I have to watch her throughout the night to make sure she doesn't die.
4 Spoons
QUALITY OF INGREDIENTS: I should eat just one bowl. When I eat more than that, I feel sick. But I always eat two... Truth be told, I only ate one tonight and I still feel sick. There's not much in here besides processed sugar. I actually feel so unwell that I'm debating finishing this review tomorrow.
2 Spoons
FLAVOR: (Note: I've decided to finish the review tonight) This is where these guys do it right. On the cover of the box, right next their health propaganda, they claim, "great chocolate taste." (Ok, I really don't feel well. I'm seriously dizzy. Perhaps it's something else. Maybe it's too much time in front of the computer. Yeah, I don't want to unfairly take it out on the cereal.) It's fuckin delicious.
5 Spoons
HAPPY TIMES: I'm slightly conflicted. Normally if I forget to take my anti-depressants, I can replace them with good ol' CP's and I'm back on my game. But tonight I just feel sick and, well, kinda sad. My stomach is churning a bit, its invoking a memory of being hospitalized for dehydration. I was spewing liquids from every orifice in my body, even my ears were moist. They said if I hadn't gone to the hospital that night I could have died. I remember this big black lady snapping a glove over her two inch long press-on nails. She took out a pill the size of a mini hot dog, greased me up, then slid that little rocket up my tailpipe. I was so fatigued that I didn't mind the feeling of her nail inside me...
2 Spoons
Normally this is where I'd put the summary and the final score, but I'm too ill.
Cocoa Puffs Final Score
3.5 Spoons
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
When Life Was Good: Batman Returns Cereal (1992)
The When Life Was Good series will be an ongoing feature looking back to past generations of sugar cereals. We're gonna kick it off with my favorite: Batman Returns from Ralston foods.
This cereal was described on the box as "crunchy chocolate cereal with fun-shaped marshmallows". The cereal pieces resembled Chex cereal and the marshmallows came in the shapes of Batman's mask, Batman's famous bat-shield symbol, the bat car and a top hot ala The Penguin's hat.
I fucking loved this little gem of corn and high fructose corn syrup. If I remember correctly, it was a chocolate orgasm: chocolate covered Chex AND chocolate marshmallows. I may be mistaken, but there's no other cereal currently on the market with this combo.
Here's their fun-filled puzzle box that kept me busy for days. GET IT TOGETHER!
Sigh. Good times...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The C4C Rating System
The C4C rating system will be rated by the following five categories. Each category will receive a 1-5 spoon rating, then that total number will be divided by 5 for it's final score. The categories are as follows:
1. Texture: Does it have a good CVM ratio (crunch vs. moisture)? Does it cut the roof of your mouth (yes, I'm talkin to you Captain Crunch) What good is a cereal if it turns into baby food after two minutes in the milk? These are serious questions only an amateur Cerealist would ignore.
2. Presentation: In today's world, presentation is perhaps the most important category to sell a product. If the box never catches your eye, or the macro photo of corn and fake chocolate fusion that's "enlarged for texture," doesn't make it to your cart; it's off the the cereal graveyard alongside C3PO's. This category will be judged the same way your judged on match.com; by the the images... Does it have a cool mascot you'd want to hang out with after school? Are the marshmellow rainbows a sexy red or a dull pink? Does the box have fun stories and puzzles, or include an exciting toy? Most of today's cereals have Darwin'd themselves onto the shelves, so this category will be strictly criticized.
3. Quality of Ingredients: Does your stomach feel like you ate a brownie/caramel/Reeses cup/cake batter ice cream from Coldstone, after one small bowl of Cocoa Krispies and 2% milk? It shouldn't. Unfortunately, this is the Achilles heel of the high fructose corn syrup cereal industry. How do you expect them to turn a profit after paying for professional athletes and cartoon tigers to promote their products? A lot of cereals will score low in this category. Deal with it, or go eat Muslix with your Grandma.
4. Flavor: Chocolate means delicious. I don't care if "Charms" aren't actually a real food, they damn well better taste like something squeezed from a leprichans magic asshole. Graham crackers should taste like sugary delicious graham crackers, not cardboard. Certain cereals will be affected by their FFA (Faux Flavor Accuracy). Do Apple Jacks taste like apples (or Jacks)? Do Cookie Crisps actually taste like chocolate chip cookies? This category is somewhat subjective because some people probably don't care. Well, fuck them. If your claiming your cereal is supposed to taste like fake french toast, then own up you Quaker bitch! (FFA only applies to cereals claiming to taste like a naturaly occuring food, i.e. Cocoa Puffs, Peanut Butter Crunch etc)
5. Happy Times: Overall fun factor. Sugar cereals should make your stomach smile and invoke a temporary, nostalgic euphoria. Remember how happy you were when your weird uncle smuggled you some sugar cereal contraband, (in exchange for sitting on his lap while he made strange moaning sounds) and you ate them with the Sunday morning comics? Well, it should hark back to those times giving you a reprieve from the modern day rat-race. If it doesn't, there's always cheap Russian whores and lollie-pops dipped in hot oil.
1. Texture: Does it have a good CVM ratio (crunch vs. moisture)? Does it cut the roof of your mouth (yes, I'm talkin to you Captain Crunch) What good is a cereal if it turns into baby food after two minutes in the milk? These are serious questions only an amateur Cerealist would ignore.
2. Presentation: In today's world, presentation is perhaps the most important category to sell a product. If the box never catches your eye, or the macro photo of corn and fake chocolate fusion that's "enlarged for texture," doesn't make it to your cart; it's off the the cereal graveyard alongside C3PO's. This category will be judged the same way your judged on match.com; by the the images... Does it have a cool mascot you'd want to hang out with after school? Are the marshmellow rainbows a sexy red or a dull pink? Does the box have fun stories and puzzles, or include an exciting toy? Most of today's cereals have Darwin'd themselves onto the shelves, so this category will be strictly criticized.
3. Quality of Ingredients: Does your stomach feel like you ate a brownie/caramel/Reeses cup/cake batter ice cream from Coldstone, after one small bowl of Cocoa Krispies and 2% milk? It shouldn't. Unfortunately, this is the Achilles heel of the high fructose corn syrup cereal industry. How do you expect them to turn a profit after paying for professional athletes and cartoon tigers to promote their products? A lot of cereals will score low in this category. Deal with it, or go eat Muslix with your Grandma.
4. Flavor: Chocolate means delicious. I don't care if "Charms" aren't actually a real food, they damn well better taste like something squeezed from a leprichans magic asshole. Graham crackers should taste like sugary delicious graham crackers, not cardboard. Certain cereals will be affected by their FFA (Faux Flavor Accuracy). Do Apple Jacks taste like apples (or Jacks)? Do Cookie Crisps actually taste like chocolate chip cookies? This category is somewhat subjective because some people probably don't care. Well, fuck them. If your claiming your cereal is supposed to taste like fake french toast, then own up you Quaker bitch! (FFA only applies to cereals claiming to taste like a naturaly occuring food, i.e. Cocoa Puffs, Peanut Butter Crunch etc)
5. Happy Times: Overall fun factor. Sugar cereals should make your stomach smile and invoke a temporary, nostalgic euphoria. Remember how happy you were when your weird uncle smuggled you some sugar cereal contraband, (in exchange for sitting on his lap while he made strange moaning sounds) and you ate them with the Sunday morning comics? Well, it should hark back to those times giving you a reprieve from the modern day rat-race. If it doesn't, there's always cheap Russian whores and lollie-pops dipped in hot oil.
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